So I’m really big on signs. I believe in God and I think he often gives us things that help us along in our path. Cool.. Buuuuttt!! I also think that God gives us signs. Like this story from Sunday School:
A man was trapped in his house during a flood. He began praying to God to rescue him. He had a vision in his head of God’s hand reaching down from heaven and lifting him to safety. The water started to rise in his house. His neighbour urged him to leave and offered him a ride to safety. The man yelled back, “I am waiting for God to save me.” The neighbour drove off in his pick-up truck.
The man continued to pray and hold on to his vision. As the water began rising in his house, he had to climb up to the roof. A boat came by with some people heading for safe ground. They yelled at the man to grab a rope they were ready to throw and take him to safety. He told them that he was waiting for God to save him. They shook their heads and moved on.
The man continued to pray, believing with all his heart that he would be saved by God. The flood waters continued to rise. A helicopter flew by and a voice came over a loudspeaker offering to lower a ladder and take him off the roof. The man waved the helicopter away, shouting back that he was waiting for God to save him. The helicopter left. The flooding water came over the roof and caught him up and swept him away. He drowned.
When he reached heaven and asked, “God, why did you not save me? I believed in you with all my heart. Why did you let me drown?” God replied, “I sent you a pick-up truck, a boat and a helicopter and you refused all of them. What else could I possibly do for you?”
So I’ve been faced with an event. Bear with me while I explain it all backwards.
The Effect: A spiral of self shame and hatred that has prompted me to, consciously, push people away.
“I am so ungrateful to the people who ARE trying to love me and care for me. I don’t deserve such patience and kindness from such good people. Why are I not enough? Why am I like this? Why can’t I be normal? What’s wrong with me? Why do I even care? How hard does a car have to be going to kill me?”
The Event: The person I miss, my fp (favourite person) as Cass puts it, got sick and couldn’t come to a group event.
Now, logically I know that being sick isn’t controllable. Logically none of my ‘Effect’ is really connectable to me ‘Event’.
But my BPD kicked in and my dilemma started…
God gives us things to test us and grow us. So this is him teaching me to be patient, to show forbearance, to grow…. NO!! God is giving me a sign. All of the times that they have failed to care for me is God giving me the Boat and the Helicopter. He is telling me to help myself and get out.
THEY ARE SO OPPOSITE!!
Which do I believe? Which do I follow and act on? How do I get better knew I know I need to learn forbearance but also to let bad things go?
HOW DO I KNOW? It’s too much to decipher..
… And this is how I ended up staring down the very real possibility of stepping out into oncoming traffic.